I remember it as though it were yesterday.

I was working in L&D, it was 3 years ago. They were a couple expecting their first child. She was 26 years old. She came in for an assessment as she hadn’t felt her baby move for 5 hrs. She was 38 weeks pregnant. I remember I took her vitals, all were fine but her heartrate was elevated at 136bpm. Then I went to find the baby’s heartrate. All I found was 136bpm. It was the mother’s heart, not the baby’s. I searched again for about 20 minutes and found nothing, only mom’s. The time was about 2am, so the other nurse on duty called the Dr. She immediately came in and ordered an emergency u/s. The baby was full term, but dead. I think that was one of the hardest moments I had ever had during my career. I wondered how could anyone cope with this kind of news, how do you go on, after losing a child? Especially this way?

Thursday I received news that not one but 2 of my babies were dead. It was awful. I had the D./C yesterday. It’s over. It just feels like a bad dream. I know they weren’t anywhere near full/term but it’s still so hard to deal with.

What do I do now? The unintended preg.nancy has now ended, but I find myself wanting another more now than ever.

Well the u/s is over and done with.

There are 2 babies, however, and yes there is a however, the heartbeats are on the “lowish” side as per my Dr. So, repeat u/s in another week. Could anything be simple here? One baby is measuring in at 7w and the other is measuring at 7w2d. All I can say is it’s been a long day. A little more than I expected to hear right now, just hope that the next u/s is a positive one, I’m getting sick of making myself worry. Thank goodness for the holidays, at least this will keep my mind off things for a bit.

Tomorrow is the big day! I can’t wait to find out what’s going on in there. I’m just praying for good news, since my symptoms aren’t as bad. 😦

Anyway, I am now about half way done of my wrapping and totally finished shopping. I can’t wait to be completely finished!

The kids are getting soo excited about Christmas coming. I still can’t believe it’s only 4 days away. Where did that time go? It sure crept up on us this year. After that I return to full time work in less than a month. Ugh. If only I could stay home indefinately. Oh well that’s not an option for me, and I’ve been very fortunate to have had the time to stay home, but who am I kidding, who wouldn’t want to stay home to raise their kids?

Anyway, must get to sleep, so tired. I’ll post when I find out some new tomorrow. Take care all.

Random Thoughts

-Started wrapping up some presents, I’m about maybe a 1/4 done of what I have to do! Argh, 4 kids to buy for what will I do next year with 5 (maybe6)? I still have a few things to buy, hopefully I can find them.

-I’ve been so emotional lately. I’ve been trying to just keep this to hubby and I, but it’s not going so well. The kids have seen me cry on occasion for nothing at all. Just hope the oldest doesn’t catch on yet. The nausea is starting to not be as bad, I hope that isn’t a bad sign and the heartburn is just raging. Also the peeing, is driving me nuts and finally the spotting is back again, but only light. This is going to be a killer of a week trying to wait until Thursday to find out if one or 2 are alright. 😦

-Worked again the other night. I’m loving the nur.sing hom.e more and more these days, it’s such a relaxing place, BUT my boss, isn’t my favorite person. Remember how I didn’t want to work New Yr/s. Well I let them know that about 2 weeks ago, figured that was plenty of time to find a replacement, rather than short notice, anyway, she got all cranky calling me actually threatening my job. That’s when I had to take out the guns and let her know that I contacted my uni.on re.p and know what I’m talking about and blah blah, she has no grounds for this, nor any right to termina.te my position, blah blah. To make a long story short, I was right and she was wrong. How often does that happen?? LOL. So I have it off. Personally I could care less if I worked it but hubby wanted me home with him, so I would rather work be pissy instead of my hubby.

-I got the kids school pics the other day. When my scanner stops being so anal I’ll post a pic of them, it’s just too cute!

I guess I should start making breakfast for the crew, they are all out looking for stuff, since they just woke up. That’s another thing, I have bouts of insomnia now, nice eh? Just get the baby to sleep all night and I can’t. Go figure!~

Well I’m still alive and kicking. The spotting surprisingly has stopped. So far, so good. We all know how things can change quickly though, look how quick it came on. BUT I’m going to think positive thoughts for now, what’s worrying going to do? It’s not going to change anything so, I will enjoy it now, and puke and whatnot until next Thursday to see if we’ll be expecting 2 instead of just one little bambino! I’m not sure what the heck to think of having 2. Like I just said, I’ll deal with that if it is meant to be. I just can’t stop having these headaches. I sure wish that would let up. That is the killer right now.

Anyway, off to wrap some presents and hopefully get in the Christmas mood. Thanks for all the prayers, we sure needed them.

So I went for my u/s today. Turns out that I have yet another sub.chorionic hem.atoma, bigger than last time. Great, the Dr. is saying it’s a “threatened miscarriage”. We did see the sacs and one with a heartbeat.

I guess I should clarify, there are 2 sacs, both with feta.l pole/s, one had a heartbeat flicking away, the other they couldn’t see a heartbeat. She’s sending me for the u/s next week to see if the other will develop.

Update

I finally got a hold of the Dr. earlier today. She has me booked in for an u/s tomorrow at 3pm. Still spotting off and on all day. I have been in a shi**y mood considering most likely the inevitable. I just hope all goes well.

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