I remember it as though it were yesterday.

I was working in L&D, it was 3 years ago. They were a couple expecting their first child. She was 26 years old. She came in for an assessment as she hadn’t felt her baby move for 5 hrs. She was 38 weeks pregnant. I remember I took her vitals, all were fine but her heartrate was elevated at 136bpm. Then I went to find the baby’s heartrate. All I found was 136bpm. It was the mother’s heart, not the baby’s. I searched again for about 20 minutes and found nothing, only mom’s. The time was about 2am, so the other nurse on duty called the Dr. She immediately came in and ordered an emergency u/s. The baby was full term, but dead. I think that was one of the hardest moments I had ever had during my career. I wondered how could anyone cope with this kind of news, how do you go on, after losing a child? Especially this way?

Thursday I received news that not one but 2 of my babies were dead. It was awful. I had the D./C yesterday. It’s over. It just feels like a bad dream. I know they weren’t anywhere near full/term but it’s still so hard to deal with.

What do I do now? The unintended preg.nancy has now ended, but I find myself wanting another more now than ever.

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45 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Shana
    Dec 30, 2006 @ 17:17:00

    I am so so sorry. (((hugs)))

    Reply

  2. nailgirl
    Dec 30, 2006 @ 17:57:00

    oh my gosh i am so sorry, I KNOW JUST HOW YOU FEEL I LOST ONE IN 2005, ONLY TO BE PG AGAIN 10 DAYS LATER WITH MY SWEET LITTLE CAMERON. HUGS. I KNOW MORE BABIES ARE IN THE WORKS FOR YOU.

    Reply

  3. Kristin
    Dec 30, 2006 @ 17:58:00

    I read this & cried. You & your family are in my thoughts.

    Reply

  4. Merr
    Dec 30, 2006 @ 18:11:00

    Oh no, I am so sorry! That is terrible.

    Reply

  5. alissa
    Dec 30, 2006 @ 18:32:00

    Oh my… I am so very sorry for you…

    Reply

  6. Lisanne
    Dec 30, 2006 @ 19:44:00

    Words can’t express how sorry I am for your two losses. I will pray for you tonight. Sending hugs your way … and yes, I do believe that more children are in the future for you guys. I am *so* very sorry.

    Reply

  7. Ashley
    Dec 30, 2006 @ 20:03:00

    I am so sorry – I will keep you in my thoughts.

    Reply

  8. Hoping
    Dec 30, 2006 @ 20:41:00

    Oh I am so sorry. You are in my thoughts and prayers…..

    Reply

  9. Whitney
    Dec 30, 2006 @ 21:20:00

    I am so, so sorry. I haven’t ever dealt with anything like this so I’m not going to pretend I know how you feel. Just know that you’ll be in my prayers.

    Reply

  10. jenhen
    Dec 30, 2006 @ 21:47:00

    omg. I am so so sorry. I wish I had something adequate to say…

    You are all in my thoughts….

    ((hugs))

    Reply

  11. Sabrina
    Dec 30, 2006 @ 21:58:00

    Big Hugs. I am so sorry.

    Reply

  12. Heather Noel
    Dec 30, 2006 @ 22:03:00

    I’m so sorry!! I hope you dont get tired of hearing it. My thoughts are with you. Lots of hugs, and prayers…{{hugs}}

    Reply

  13. Tonya
    Dec 30, 2006 @ 22:53:00

    *hugs* emma

    Reply

  14. Emma in Canada
    Dec 30, 2006 @ 23:21:00

    Oh, I am so sad for you. It is the most heartbreaking news in the world, whether it was a planned pregnancy or not.

    Reply

  15. Karen
    Dec 30, 2006 @ 23:57:00

    Awww, I went through the same (with one, not two), but no one can say anything to make it better. Just know we’re all thinking about you…

    Reply

  16. Julie
    Dec 31, 2006 @ 00:38:00

    Today has been a tough day for me… for similar, yet completely different reasons! I am so sorry you lost your little surprise miracles! I lived that heartbreak for 28 days a year ago. Today I am reminded of how close I came to loosing them, and how much we overcame to get here. Hugs… for you and your special little ones!

    Reply

  17. Erin
    Dec 31, 2006 @ 01:55:00

    Sweetheart…….I am so sorry for the loss you have had.

    There are people out there/support groups for you…I am thinking about you. My heart goes out to you sweetie….

    Reply

  18. miraclebaby
    Dec 31, 2006 @ 02:42:00

    I’m so sorry. Please email me if you need to talk. Heck, even call me (i’ll give you my number if you want) if you need to. Losing a baby was the worst experience I had, and it doesn’t matter that they were still small. They were still babies no matter what anyone says. Please feel free to grieve for them. Name them if you need to. I wish I could be there to give you a big hug.

    And wanting another one is so normal. Even though I have had one now I still have that ache.

    Reply

  19. Ashley & Charles
    Dec 31, 2006 @ 03:26:00

    I’m so so sorry.

    Reply

  20. Ericka
    Dec 31, 2006 @ 03:33:00

    Im so sorry. I always enjoy reading your blog and seeing your cute babies. You are in my prayers.

    Reply

  21. Suzanne
    Dec 31, 2006 @ 04:06:00

    I’m so sorry. You are in my prayers…

    Reply

  22. Sara
    Dec 31, 2006 @ 05:26:00

    I lost three on my quest to become a mom and they each feel like they happened yesterday. I am so, so sorry. I am crying as I write this because I know how hard it is to feel what you are feeling. If you need anything, I am here for you.

    Reply

  23. my4kids
    Dec 31, 2006 @ 06:09:00

    Sent from miraclebabyb’s blog. Just wanted to stop by and say I’m sorry your lost your babies….

    Reply

  24. Mommy Mia!
    Dec 31, 2006 @ 08:28:00

    I can’t begin to imagine how much you must be hurting right now. I’m so so sorry.

    Reply

  25. Anonymous
    Dec 31, 2006 @ 13:21:00

    I am so sorry. I lost a pregnancy over 11 years ago, at 15 weeks. I went on to have another child (my 3rd), who is now 10 years old. Time helps.

    Reply

  26. Catherine
    Dec 31, 2006 @ 16:04:00

    I’m here from Becci’s blog to let you know how very sorry I am.

    Reply

  27. Shannon
    Dec 31, 2006 @ 18:19:00

    I can’t even imagine what you are going through… I’m praying for you and so is my church!! Hugs!

    Reply

  28. canape
    Dec 31, 2006 @ 19:27:00

    I am so sorry, and stand right there with you. This is completely not right or fair. I am so very sorry.

    Reply

  29. Petunia
    Dec 31, 2006 @ 20:21:00

    I am so sorry. I miscarried my first pregnancy so I know how devastating this is for you. I believe everything happens for a reason and time does heal. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Reply

  30. Valkyrie
    Dec 31, 2006 @ 20:36:00

    My heart is ABSOLUTELY BROKEN for you. To feel the excitement initially, and seeing those little heartbeats only to lose them again. Seeing my bubs heart going the first time is what made it real for me. Your loss is so very real. I am SO very sorry for you. I know the ‘mental’ plans you would have been making subconsciously and it just makes it hurt all the more. Try to think of it as them being SUCH wonderful souls that God decided he wanted them back! Or that there is somewhere on earth where there is a woman who’s been trying forEVER to get pregnant, who’s now pregnant with twins no less. They’re not gone. They never will be – perhaps they’ve just been ‘re-assigned’. I hope you don’t think I’m nuts I just think that we’re all connected this way. If you’re up for trying again (although I know you weren’t trying the first time) I say go for it. If you’re not, then just go and hug your kids (and with four of them that’s a lot of love) and remember how precious they are. Again, I’m so sorry for your loss.

    Reply

  31. DrilGrrl
    Dec 31, 2006 @ 21:14:00

    Thank you for your thoughts on our blog–you have our sympathy for your loss.

    Reply

  32. purple_kangaroo
    Dec 31, 2006 @ 22:52:00

    Hugs. I’m so sorry.

    Reply

  33. Real Life in South Carolina
    Jan 01, 2007 @ 01:01:00

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve been there before. It doesn’t matter how far along a woman is in her pregnancy – it still hurts. You’re in my prayers.

    Reply

  34. Lori
    Jan 01, 2007 @ 03:51:00

    ((((hugs)))

    It doesn’t matter whether they were intended or not…they were loved, and they will be missed.

    You will be in my thoughts and prayers….

    Reply

  35. MSUgal86
    Jan 01, 2007 @ 16:52:00

    my heart and prayers are with you.

    Reply

  36. Hannah
    Jan 01, 2007 @ 23:51:00

    I’m so very sorry. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

    Reply

  37. Heidi
    Jan 02, 2007 @ 02:03:00

    I am so sorry. My prayers are with you and your family. Big hugs.

    Reply

  38. Mary Boston
    Jan 02, 2007 @ 02:58:00

    I read this and immediately started crying. My husband suggested that we pray for you. so we just did. I’ll continue to pray for you. I have no idea what that must be like.

    Reply

  39. Lizzy
    Jan 02, 2007 @ 04:18:00

    there simply are no words.

    i’m so sorry.

    Reply

  40. Anonymous
    Jan 02, 2007 @ 15:49:00

    Oh EK, I am so sorry.

    ~Beebop
    http://www.beebopaloobop.blogspot.com

    Reply

  41. Josefina
    Jan 02, 2007 @ 20:56:00

    I’m number 41 but yet…I’m sooooo sorry….specially because we were so close in due date!!!

    I hope your family helps you get through this but it’s ok to grieve all the time you consider necessary….

    Hugs!!

    Reply

  42. Amber
    Jan 03, 2007 @ 03:57:00

    Delurking to say my heart is going out to you right now. What incredibly sad news…may God hold you close during this really tough time.

    † Amber

    Reply

  43. Jessica
    Jan 03, 2007 @ 14:54:00

    Oh Sweetie, I’m so sorry! I know there are no words I can say to make things better, but I’m thinking of you.

    Reply

  44. Christina
    Jan 03, 2007 @ 15:02:00

    Deepest sympathies.

    Reply

  45. Claudia
    Jan 05, 2007 @ 14:23:00

    I just got back and am catching up now.

    I’m so sorry.

    Reply

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