Where do I begin?

Thank you all so very much for your comments. I never imagined how much support I would receive.

It will be one week ago tomorrow that I received the news that will forever change my life. I had mentioned earlier about my symptoms not being as bad, I suppose that “foreshadowing” the inevitable. The u/s tech took me in and did the u/s, the sacs were quite visible, as were the babies, but I didn’t see the all familiar flicker I have seen so many times in the past. She then called in the radiologist to read the u/s, as they require a Dr. to tell any information. At that point, I knew, hubby and I both knew they were gone. He then came in and told us the news that will forever change our lives. They were gone. They only grew to be 8w2d when I should have been 9wks. We were given some time alone to try and process what we were just told. I don’t think you are quite able to think straight when given this kind of news. I automatically just thought how it was all too surreal, like I never quite believed that I was expecting again, especially twins. The waiting for the actual procedure was hell. I hated being there knowing that this was it, it was going to be final. I only stayed after the surgery for about 3 hrs. I went to the hospital carrying 2 babies and left with none. Ugh, I have no other words to use other than this is the shits.

I am lost as to what to do now? Hubby is very adament that he get his vas&ectomy and that be it. I just don’t want to finalize anything right at the moment. I guess only time will tell what will happen. I just have to grieve, both of us have to.

I return to full time work in only a week. I remember at first thinking how am I going to tell work that I am preg. again and will be leaving again to have another baby. Then there was the shock of finding 2. All sorts of thoughts came to me, like, how will I work on such a heavy floor with so much lifting, what about bed rest? Will I need it, and now, there’s nothing. No thoughts at all.

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23 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Hoping
    Jan 03, 2007 @ 16:35:00

    I am so sorry, but just know that there are thousands of women supporting you on the internet who can relate to your feelings and if you ever want to chat all you have to do is ask.

    Take time to make the vascectomy decision, your hubby might be in shock right now. Lots of love from my side of the world to you. God Bless.

    Reply

  2. Silly Hily
    Jan 03, 2007 @ 16:39:00

    Oh honey, I am so so so sorry. I don’t know what to say and am not even going to pretend like I know what you are going through because I don’t.
    Please just know that you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers.
    Take care of yourself okay. Big hug. I’m so sorry.

    Reply

  3. Emma in Canada
    Jan 03, 2007 @ 17:51:00

    Having suffered miscarriages in the past I have an idea of what you are going through, and yet, I don’t. I knew that I would be trying again, which I think lessens the pain somewhat. (This is just my opinion I know alot of people won’t agree!) So I do think that the debate between having another child or a permanent end to that with a vasectomy must be very difficult. You are definitely in my thoughts.

    Reply

  4. Lizzy
    Jan 03, 2007 @ 19:37:00

    I’m so sorry, sweetie. I wish I had the right words, but I don’t. I don’t even know if there are ‘right’ words.
    But know that you are in my thoughts and please don’t hesitate to shout out if there’s anything I can do.
    I think you’re right. As with any loss, you need to allow yourself the time to grieve, to feel the pain. And you and hubby will probably go through the process at different speeds.
    Sending you love and hugs from the Big Apple.

    Reply

  5. Merr
    Jan 03, 2007 @ 20:24:00

    I am so sorry.

    Reply

  6. Chas
    Jan 03, 2007 @ 21:17:00

    I am truly sorry for your loss. I’ve been away and have only just heard. No one can understand what you’re going through right now, not even someone who has gone through miscarriage before. When I lost Lila’s twin I didn’t know what to do emotionally either. I think it just takes time, but you never forget and you never really get over it. I think not making any rash decisions as far as vasectomy right now is probably the best thing. Best not to make decisions like that until you’ve both got a clear head.

    Reply

  7. my4kids
    Jan 03, 2007 @ 21:34:00

    You don’t know me I came to your sight from Becci’s but I had to leave another comment. Regardless of the fact you have 4 kids if you don’t feel “done” or if you don’t feel like you want it to be final please do what you can to convince hubby not to do the vasectomy. When I had my 4th baby hubby said no more but I wasn’t sure, I ended up having my tubes tied basically because everyone else thought we should (we had the same reaction from my in-laws as you did when we announced our 4th baby was comming). I totally regret it now and it is a hard thing to live with, I know I wasn’t really ready for it and think all the time that I should have waited. I get upset every month when I get my period but know that thats all it will ever be unless God has other plans, but I know that unfortunatly my ob did a very good job of tying my tubes. I don’t tell people this very often because I get the well at least you have your 4 comment, but it doesn’t make it better I still get this feeling like something is missing, its strange I guess.

    Reply

  8. Tonya
    Jan 03, 2007 @ 21:42:00

    It is so sad emma.. there are no words.. I am so happy there are so many people to support you.. we love ya sweetie!!

    Reply

  9. Heidi
    Jan 03, 2007 @ 22:30:00

    I am so sorry. I am keeping you and your family in my prayers.

    Reply

  10. Melissa
    Jan 04, 2007 @ 03:08:00

    I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I don’t know quite what else to say other than that.

    I truly am sorry….

    Reply

  11. canape
    Jan 04, 2007 @ 03:11:00

    A week tomorrow for me too, Emma. No one should have to go through this. We’ll make it though.

    Reply

  12. Josefina
    Jan 04, 2007 @ 15:17:00

    Again, I’m really really sorry!

    I was thinking, you’ll probably get a LOT of undesired comments, because people many times say stupid things because they don’t know what to say…I only hope you don’t know a lot of stupids! LOL…
    You know, there’s a very interesting blog: http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com it’s mainly about infertility, but also it has a lot of useful posts about pregnancy losses, grieving…it’s a married couple who struggled for many years with infertility and now they’re writing a book…it helped me a lot, I’m sure you’ll find it interesting too…

    Hugs!!

    Reply

  13. nailgirl
    Jan 04, 2007 @ 17:02:00

    Sarah, aagin hugs Denise

    Reply

  14. Anonymous
    Jan 04, 2007 @ 18:44:00

    I found your blog today while reading birth stories. I went through and read your archives – it sounds like you have a beautiful family. I’m so sorry to read about your most recent news – it’s so sad. Take care of yourself,
    Kelly (also from Canada)

    Reply

  15. Sara
    Jan 04, 2007 @ 19:46:00

    I once thought miscarriage would be all that I would have in my quest to become a Mom and thankfully, I was wrong. I am not sure what is worse – having a loss like that before you actually have your own children or after (or even in between.) Another bloggy friend once said “there is no way to compare sorrows”. They are all the same – we all grieve differently, but man, it just hurts so bad.

    Some people are not meant to be the Mom of one, some are meant to be the Mom of five or six or more. Don’t make any rash decisions about having more children now – I bet your husband would hear you out on that. At some point, it will either make sense to be finished, or make sense to not want to close that chapter just yet. My Mom always said she felt like she was supposed to be the mother of three and when they lost their third, my Dad had a V and they stopped. It still upsets her somewhat, so just wait and see how you feel down the road. You never know.

    Hugs to you, sweetie. I thought a lot about you these past few days. Wish I could help out more. Blogging always helped me.

    Reply

  16. Susan in va
    Jan 04, 2007 @ 21:56:00

    I am so sorry. I’ve been where you are, and I know what you’re going through. Words cannot grasp what it feels like.

    I hope you decide not to rush into the vasectomy – of course it’s your decision – but give it time. Wait for healing before making such a life altering decision. My DH had the surgery scheduled after we had child number 3. I called him at work and told him that I didn’t have a peace about it. I’m so glad he didn’t do it.

    I’ll be praying for all of you this week. Again, I’m so sorry.

    Reply

  17. Devynn
    Jan 05, 2007 @ 04:20:00

    OMG – I feel SO bad. I haven’t been reading any blogs lately and this is going on? This is so sad for you. I don’t even know what to say, other than, I’m sorry. I am truly sorry. May God be with you.

    Reply

  18. miraclebaby
    Jan 05, 2007 @ 04:51:00

    (((((hugs))))))

    Reply

  19. whymommy
    Jan 06, 2007 @ 02:04:00

    I’m so sorry for your loss. How very hard to lose your babies like that. Hang in there and know that you have so many people pulling for you.

    Reply

  20. Anita
    Jan 08, 2007 @ 16:57:00

    I am sorry hun I haven’t responded earlier. I have been reading and hoping for the best but I guess what is meant to be is meant to be even if we don’t understand the reasoning behind it all.

    I do hope that you can greive in your own way and that in time you shall move on and look at what you are blessed with right now, your family is beautiful and your a very lucky woman.

    take care and if you need me just hollar I am going to try to be around more often.

    Reply

  21. girl from florida
    Jan 08, 2007 @ 21:22:00

    Oh my God sweetie. I am so sorry. So, so, so heartbroken for you. I just got home and read your blog and found out. My heart is just hurting for you right now. I will be praying for you and your family. Please just take the time to grieve- no drastic decisions now. Lots of love. You know where I am if you’d ever like to talk.

    Reply

  22. Rene
    Jan 18, 2007 @ 17:24:00

    When me and my girl lost our first baby it broke our hearts. The D&C was a hard thing to go through. Now we have our little man and he is everything to us. Do what you are doing and enjoy life to the fullest!
    Rene, Siobhan and Nicholas!

    Reply

  23. Sports betting
    Oct 29, 2007 @ 16:19:00

    It’s been ages since i posted here. Been sick, busy etc. There are not many games left this season. It has had it’s up’s and down’s. Meet some new Reds i adore. Meet David Ross again. Knew of him when was a Dodger. Missed Sean Casey a lot. Reds then got rid of Austin Kerns. Seen the Reds 9 times this year at Busch Stadium. Saw the Phillies 3 times. Seen The Astros 3 times. Gonna see the Astros for my 4th time September 13th. Gonna go to games in 2 weeks to see Brian Giles.No idea who will make the playoffs.First Choice Reds. Second Choice Phillies. 3RD Astros. 4TH Choice Padres. Padres just because of Brian Giles, Geoff Blum and Trevor Hoffmann. I hope to at least attend one playoff game. But if the Cards don’t make it won’t go to any. Because i can’t afford to travel. But if i had to choose. I’d rather the Reds win the Central and just have to watch them on tv.Seeing them on tv would be better than them not making the playoffs at all.
    The best place for mlb, baseball finals, Baseball tickets. For more information visit: http://www.bet911.com

    Reply

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